Title:	I do not want this.
Date:	2007-05-06 @ 15:03
Security:	public
Location:	Absolutely nowhere.
Music:	Nine Inch Nails
Mood:	distressed

I haven't posted in a long time. 

I was not kicked out of the Wiz.
The Wiz went extremely well.
I cried a lot at Circle.
The cast party was fun, but full of dissapointment.

This chocolate milk tastes bad.

The new shows, Choices, got started. Stowell let me take the position of director for Plexiglass People.
I met the author (another student) and we had a lot in common.
No one showed up for rehearsals.
My show was cancelled, but only mine.
I can't reach Stowell. (The theatre teacher)

The literary magazine was published. I was the design editor. 
The LitMag reading went great. I played my guitar for the readers.
It was fun.

I have an F in algebra 2 and Honors English 2. 
The math grade was entirely my fault. 
Natalie Stoneburner made me do the whole Bio project myself. 
Casey Shively made me do the whole History project myself. 
I have horrible partner luck. 

This weekend, I got closer to suicide than I have in a long time.

Title:	No.
Topics:	no.
Date:	2007-04-11 @ 19:37
Security:	public
Location:	My goddamned computer that won't get me a girlfriend.
Music:	Kara bugging the shit out of me with questions and not listening to my answers.
Mood:	anxious

I'm probably going to be kicked out of the Wiz, I haven't showed up for two days straight. I'll give my Wiz hoodie to Julia once I know for sure. Which will be soon. A creepy man-bitch tried to get me to sleep with him online. He kept pushing for me to be a friend with benefits, but...we weren't friends. So it'd just be benefits. I'm not a sorry ass whore. I hate Mr Flora. I hate him so much. I don't even know why. I'm never seeing him after school again. He's a cheap, unfeeling coward. 

Mr Burton is also a coward, but I like him anyway.

I'm deppressed. But I can't do anything to myself, because I'm watching Kara who's in the other room playing video games. I'm frustrated, and want to have an anxiety attack so I can sit in a corner and cry afterwards and make up reasons as to why I'm upset so that I'll feel safe and somewhat more stable. I wish I was the saddest person in the world, so that I knew everyone else wasn't going through the worst. But I'm not, so I have to worry about people like Julia and Liz and Miranda and Dan and not Kristin and Julia's family and Mr Ekis.

Is there a God?

Title:	Lies
Topics:	}:
Date:	2007-03-21 @ 13:10
Security:	public
Location:	Home, not school.
Music:	Porcelina-Smashing Pumpkins (really really loudly)
Mood:	devious

I went home second period because I didn't feel like being in school anymore. I told the nurse I had cramps. Ha.
I think I should still bike over there for Wiz rehearsal, though, I could get kicked out or something. Stowell needs to take it easy on Julia, because she's my BEST GOOD FRIEND. (is watching Forrest Gump in US history this week) 
I can't believe I'm only 16 and Julia's 17. It's not fair for some reason. }:

Here's my latest poem, called "Fuck This":

I feel
I taste
I hate
I love
Fuck this.

I wrote it in adv. creative writing. That's right, bitch. Adv. D:
Julia submitted it to the lit mag as anonymous. :D
She also told Mr Flora about my tampon metaphor, which made me rather "nebulous" I mean...embarassed. The word nebulous has nothing to do with anything. :o Excepting Flora, since he used that word once and it was funny. 

So my tampon metaphor is about friends:

The more insides you dump on them, the bloodier they are when you throw them away. 

Flora was not pleased with it. Here's the story I wrote from which it came:

            She was not a cat.

Title:	Cold Mac&Cheese
Date:	2007-03-11 @ 05:38
Security:	public
Mood:	hungry

I just noticed that I eat/drink whenever I'm posting. D:

Julia has a new crush, and it's not me. D:

It's probably Stephen. Or Dani. 

Or this guy.

http://hometown.aol.com/rufflife3628127/images/ugly%20girl.jpg

Title:	Still
Topics:	):
Date:	2007-03-10 @ 15:24
Security:	public
Music:	Happiness is a Warm Gun-The Beatles
Mood:	blah

I'm still eating a smoothie, only this one is good. 

Julia is still my number one match on OKCupid, only she won't be my match.

I'm still single, only I don't want to be.

I still think brown is one of my favorite colors, only I don't love her anymore.

I'm still me, only I'm starting to like that now.

But...happiness is a warm gun. Only I don't have one.

Title:	Lump Sat Alone
Topics:	smoothie time
Date:	2007-03-05 @ 11:38
Security:	public
Location:	The moon. Just visiting.
Music:	Cecilia-Simon and Garfunkle
Mood:	sleepy

What I learned today:

Never mix orange juice and peanut butter in a fruit smoothie.

Is the little light on my moniter yellow green, or just yellow...? If there's even a question, it must not be pure yellow, it must have some green in it. So yes, it's yellow green.

I had a bio and an english test today. I didn't go to school, so I didn't take them. There's a bug bite on my arm even though it's winter. I'm wearing an ugly outfit. It's too simple and dull. White pants and an ugly blue Tee -shirt. I think people should wear ugly clothes more often, because sometimes ugly can be fun, too. Just like drinking really, really bad smoothies. 
One time I made a cellery, carrot, and I think brocolli smoothie. I figured that if I didn't like eating vegetables, drinking them might be better. It was aweful. 

I feel like crying, but I don't know why. When I feel like this I always make up a reason to be upset so I don't feel so helpless and unfocused, but this time I don't think I will. I actually want to watch a movie for once. I can't watch movies alone, so I'll wait until school's out to call someone and make them come over. I wonder if anyone will. Probably not. I need to go study for those tests...

But I won't. 

I want Ian to get his grades up. I want his mom to win the lottery. I want Julia to be happy again. I want her family to calm down. I want Katty to get some meds. I want Kevin to shut the fuck up. I want mom to stop worrying. I want to get laid. 

Oh, how strange it is to be anything at all...

I cut myself shaving today. I bled and bled and bled until the tub was full and then I bled some more. Then my wife came and held my hand. Then I stopped bleeding. 

That was a lie.

But I really did cut myself...shaving.

This smoothie tastes horrible.